Jokes !?

Disclaimer: Normally I would say "The management will not accept blame/liability for...etc."
Instead...
Don't blame me... It's not my fault... blame someone else...

An IT friend of mine is going travelling and is selling his laptop at a very good price of $530.00. If I didn't have a PC I would have of bought this myself. He built it himself but all the components are good brands - PIII 750Mhz, 256Mb SDRam, 15" screen, 3dfx x2AGP videocard (32meg), 18GB SCSI HD, SBlive soundblaster, 2x firewire and 2xUSB ports. He even said he'd throw in the carry case for free. See attached picture. Let me know ASAP if you're interested.

One for the girls:
A "Husband Shopping Center" was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men, to be her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place.

So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men. First floor, the door had a sign saying: "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and say: "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up they go. Second floor says: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking". "Hmmm", say the girls, "But, I wonder what's further up?". Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow!" say the women. "Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!"

And so again, they go up. Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be awaiting us further on!"

So up to the fifth floor they go. The sign on that door said: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day"

Funny Pictures:

• The Railway introduces a new "high capacity train"
• Igloo builders hard at work
• Pushy driver
• Stray Bar
• Microsoft Word for...
• I knew I should have washed the car
• Microsoft Mouse 6.2
• Time to cut back?

TATER PEOPLE:
Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work. They are called "Speck Taters".

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work. They are called "Comment Taters".

Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't want to soil their own hands. They are called "Dick Taters".

Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet. They are called "Agie Taters".

There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing the promised help. They are called "Hezzie Taters".

Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not. They are called "Emma Taters".

Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others. They are called "Sweet Taters".

For Sale:

A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?" "Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously. Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising it."

Any Dad's out there with Daughters?

Dilbert Quotes:
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks". (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter". (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business". (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it". (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule".

6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them". (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

7. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected". (CIO of Dell Computers)

8. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say". (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me". (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees". (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above". (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

12. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (paedophiles?) memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager wass fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

RULES FOR TAKING LEAVE SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness;

If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year - they are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS: All employees will take there vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain the average figure; Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.

DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing prada shoes and gucci handbag - you do not need a pay rise. Overall we trust you enjoy your empolyment with this company.

The Management

THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST CONCEPTS EVER!
I AM SURE YOU WILL ENJOY
George Costanza

A Few Zen Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

* Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
* A day without sunshine is like, night.
* On the other hand, you have different fingers.
* I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
* Honk if you love peace and quiet.
* Remember, half the people you know are below average.
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
* The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
* Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
* Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
* If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
* OK, so what's the speed of dark?
* How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
* When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
* Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened?

Final Revenge of the Blondes

* Why do brunettes like their dark hair colour? -It doesn't show the dirt
* Who makes all the bras for brunettes? -Fisher-Price.
* Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes? -The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.
* Why are most brunettes flat-chested? -It makes it easier for them to read their T-shirts.
* Why are brunettes so proud of their hair? -It matches their moustache.
* Why is the colour brunette considered evil? -When's the last time ya saw a blonde witch?
* How can you tell a brunette is lonely? -Check her for a pulse.
* What is the most frustrated animal in the world? -A brunette rabbit.
* What did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover? -"What part of 'yes' don't you understand?"
* Why did God create brunettes? -So ugly men wouldn't feel left out.
* What do brunettes miss most about a great party? -The invitation.
* Where do brunettes get the hair for a transplant? -From their underarms.
* What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette? -Gay, married, or a hostage.
* How did Revlon come up with it's brunette hair colour? -By studying what oil spills did to seaweed.
* Why do brunettes have to pay an extra $2,000 for a breast job? -Because the plastic surgeon has to start from scratch.
* How do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night? -Startled.